


You said goodbye, when i said: ''Don't go!''

by Natsumicos



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Brother Feels, Brothers, Drama, Emotional Hurt, Ending A, First Time, Fluff, Forbidden Love, High School Student Eren Yeager, Incest, Love Confessions, M/M, Open to Interpretation, Pedophilia, Photographer Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Photography, Romance, Sad, Sexual Tension, Sibling Incest, Step-siblings, Tears, Underage - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 09:29:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7568932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natsumicos/pseuds/Natsumicos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My little half brother became my absolute favourite object to capture in my pictures.<br/>A photo without his stunning and breathtaking beauty in it is like shit in my eyes. I love the way his slender body moves the way I order him to, how his lips would part slightly or form a sweet smile and his mesmerizing teal colored feline eyes, eyes green and blue like the ocean I never had the chance to see, would stare directly into my camera, into my soul, focusing only at me and nothing else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You said goodbye, when i said: ''Don't go!''

**Author's Note:**

> Very Important!! Please see the tags before reading. If you are sensitive to any of these topics, please don't read. The story isn't that much explicit concerning the ''pedophilia and incest'' tags, but it's rated mature nonetheless.  
> Armin, Jean and Marco are only mentioned. If you have anything to complain or add, please tell me before reporting the story.  
> You should give it a chance, i'm sure it's worth it. If you decide to read it, thank you very much. <3
> 
> This story is very emotional, so maybe you should prepare some tissues.  
> Enjoy!!! :)
> 
>  

 

 

 

 

 

 

My little half brother became my absolute favourite object to capture in my pictures.  
A photo without his stunning and breathtaking beauty in it is like shit in my eyes.

I love the way his slender body moves the way i order him to, how his lips would part slightly or form a sweet smile and his mesmerizing teal colored puppy eyes,eyes green and blue like the ocean i never had the chance to see, would stare directly into my camera, into my soul, focusing only at me. There is always this faint blush that would appear on his cheeks whenever I looked at him, so cute, something i would never dare to admit.  
My feelings for him are forbidden, filthy and wrong. So wrong in so many ways. I'm aware of that but I can't change my feelings. I love him in a way a big brother shouldn't, but this is the only way to hold it back,making him mine in my photos.

 *****

 

For me, life had always been a long, rough fight, not physically but mentally. My mom died when i was only 15 years old, high school was hard enough but when i lost the most important person in my life, nothing was like before. I didn't know what to do anymore, since i have never really had a great relationship with my father. We weren't as close to begin with. My grades started to drop down to the ground, just like my life at that time. Two years later, my father met and eventually another married an other woman. My new mother's name was Carla and she tried her best to make me feel at home, to make it feel like we're a real family but whatever she would try, nothing and no one could ever replace my real mother. Just when i thought things started to become better, there was another decisive point in my life, when everything changed once again, it was the day my father anounced they would have a baby.  
My mother was already taken away from me and now i didn't want to lose my father aswell, the only one i had left to that new brat. But everything came completely different than expected. I watched him grow up, teached him things, just like a good big brother would. I wasn't the best brother in the world but i tried my best. But i knew things started to become different when he got older. Me. I became different, my attitude and my thoughts about him.  
Ever since I could think I was different when it came to a certain thing. It was something my whole world was about, something that was the reason why I always tried my best, why I never did things to anger my parents or to disappoint them. It was the reason why I tried to be a good son, so they would never have a reason to separate me from...him. To the outside i was the perfect son, a young man with a great future in front of him and until today i never had done anything for my parents to feel dissatisfaction. And everything because of him, my little brother. He was my motivation when it came to work and life but also at the same time, my biggest weakness. The reason was simple, maybe not normal in others’ eyes, but what made me so bound to him were my feelings. Of course i was like every other older brother when it came to protect or be proud when he did something well but what made me so different in a sickening way from any other big brother out there was what I felt for him was more than simple brotherly love. It was deeper and stronger, a love you would see in those cheesy romance movies, one that was even stronger than what Romeo felt for Juliette i’d dare to say, because i was ready to go to hell for him. I knew i would go to hell for this, it was sick. I was sick. Eren, my brother was only thirteen years old at that time, so young and so pure..so full of innocence, oblivious and naive and there was me. A thirty-four old man, a man with a sick mind for loving a minor, a kid. A kid that was my own brother. I was not expecting for us to ever be unified, to ever become one here on this big cruel world, not even in heaven. There was no place for my love for him, nowhere i would ever experience mercy and be able to love him freely.

My sick mind found its way to handle and deal this hurting situation though. After I graduated from college, i became a professional photographer but was also working in my -, no, in our father’s company. My interest for photographing developed during my teenager years, when i realized that taking pictures of my beautiful brother satisfied me in a sickening way. Filling me with desire for him. It gave me the feeling that at least in my photos I was allowed to own him. My little brother was too innocent to realize that and enjoyed the attention I gave him. To know that he craved for my attention simply because I was his big brother and his role model, it made me understand very early that I had a power, one that shouldn’t be given to me, not someone as sick as me. Too innocent to know i got off every day on his pictures in my room at night. It gave me pleasure in a very dirty way. With every year passing he became more and more beautiful, my photos clear evidences and I didn’t know how but I succeeded to keep him pure. Until today he was never touched, not by a single person. Not by any of his many admires and most important not by me. He was so foolish for being so obedient when it came to listening to me. I couldn’t explain why, but he always shared his all with me, from his little secrets to the big things. He seemed to trust me a lot and i didn't want to destroy the trust he had in me. As a brother it was my responsability after all. That’s also why I knew that he was still a virgin. Thinking back, I realized that he never rebelled in any kind of way. He was always loud and cheerful when he was with those few friends of his, that two-toned undercut guy and the one with the freckles and the blonde one aswell. Friends i was secretly jealous of, but other than around them, he had been a quiet boy when he was around me, a very dangerous thing when you consider that an ugly monster was waiting inside of me to get finally released and ravish him, to taint him in he dirtiest ways my mind could think of. I had been so afraid of that, that there was a time when I was thirty and he just turned eleven, that I distanced myself from him to protect and keep him safe, away from that monster I was in reality. But as innocent as he was that time, he came like a lost puppy to me, crying that he was sorry for whatever he had done to make me angry. He didn't know why i distanced mysel from him. It was sick how much it filled me with satisfaction and lust to know that he needed me, the way he was begging and the fact that he wanted to need me and was not forced to. Despite all this, i loved him too much to ever harm or hurt him in any way possible. I could never taint him and destroy his innocence.

He developed an interest in modelling and the day he announced he wanted to become one was heart wrenching and made me nearly lock him in forcefully, somewhere far away, where no one could ever dare to lay their filthy eyes on him. Ironic that it was me, who thought like that, when it was me, my little brother had to be protected from most. But then he did something to satisfy my sick mind again. He said he wanted to model because i wanted to become a photographer. At this point I doubted that destiny, fate or whatever had decided my life would go this way, ever wanted me to be happy or at least normal. When a man, who was in love with his younger brother, got the power to decide over the younger’s life it could only end bad. At least that’s what I always thought.

When I was thirty-two years old, my younger brother decided that he wanted to move out with me, when I had announced that i finally needed my own apartment, giving the reason i was already old enough since a long time now and needed my space, when in truth I realized that my forever weakness, my little brother was after all so careless around me and let me have too much power over him that it was too dangerous to stay with him any longer. I didn’t want to leave my home, to leave him, but I was afraid, too afraid of myself. Now, two years later, we live together after a lot of convinving of our parents coming from him and i still wonder that they allowed it, still wonder how i could hold back for so long without doing a severe mistake. My little brother became a model, my model, the funny thing though, for my sick mind the perfect aspect about it, he was only modelling for me and only me. It started with him asking me to take a few photos for his ''memory folder'', that's how he called it and without me even realizing how that conversation came up, he begged me to make him my model when i was looking for one. The sick part of me literally drooled for that opportunity while the small rational and morally right section of my brain started the alarm bells, yelling at me to reject it but who could I fool? I wanted it as much as he wanted it, i knew it, so i agreed and until today he was the only person i would photograph. By now you couldn’t even call me a professional photographer anymore, because none of those pictures where published and he was far from being a professional model. This modelling thing became a private thing, something we would do for us and strangely he never complained. The sick part of me wanted to believe that my little brother wanted, no, needed my attention like in the past and that was enough for me. What i earned in my father’s company was already enough for both of us to live a good life, even though our parents gave us a monthly budget. He still wasn't of age after all and he still went to school. I'm still wondering why our parents allowed him to move in with me...  
They knew we had a good relationship and i would be one of the few people, Eren would actually open up to completely but he was still only fifteen.  
The one room with all my equipment became the one where i let out that ugly monster behind my camera. When I took photos i had that habit that i only said the necessary things, too concentrated on what i was doing and he, the beautiful and pure being he was, simply did what i told him. In that room he was like a doll without will and that made everything worse. Like he was the puppet and i was the master.

Why our parents never noticed my dangerous love for him was until today a mystery to me but i was more than grateful for it. I was afraid they could take him away from me, to rip us apart. Our father was a very powerful man, one single word and i would never be able to see him again. He would disown me without a single thought.

 

But i knew i was a ticking time bomb. Even if i was proud that i had held myself back for so long, i was still a very dangeroud person, a sick-minded person and of course i had my limits, too. My little brother made it so hard for me, his beautiful teal colored eyes would shine and twinkle ever so slightly when he looked at me. A look full of admiration and most of all trust...all those small actions, his words that would sometimes hint on things i knew he could never really mean, because he was not like me, he was pure and innocent. Would he still trust me this much if he knew what i did with his pictures at night behind closed doors? Would he still trust me as much if he knew his big brother was nothing else but a sick, perverted old man that was lusting after his underage brother? I was sure my mind played tricks on me; it wanted to make me believe that he was giving me signals, that he might feel also attraction towards me but that could never happen. He was not like me. He was not sick.

 

He was pure.

 

* * *

 

“Oi Eren, tilt your head slightly to the right.” I ordered and pulled my beloved camera away from my eye. Immediately he did as he was told and i took another photo, smiling satisfied at the small screen when the result appeared. Again i led the camera to my eye and took one more, letting him move freely his youthful, lithe body. I loved how his small pouty lips parted, teasing me unintentionally and his big green eyes stared intently and directly into my camera.

“Levi, I’m really tired. Let’s stop for today please.” He said and dropped his arms, pouting slightly.  
There it was, ''please''. The word that came out of his mouth. The word he always said and screamed in my mind when i was thinking of him. Thinking of having him trapped under me. Begging me to ''please'' take him again, to ''please'' stop.

That was the one sentence i liked and disliked to hear from his mouth at the same time. ''Stop''. The cruel thing about it was, that he told me to stop something I couldn’t, ever. My desire for him couldn’t be tamed and i was never satisfied, even if we would do our shootings for hours. It was never enough and i needed more of him. More photos of his endless beauty. It was still unclear to me why Eren endured this without really complaining.

“Okay,” I agreed unwillingly and forced a smiled when our gazes finally met without the camera being between it. Even if it was a forced smile, it was never fake, it was a genuine one. He was the most precious person on the earth to me after all.

He smiled satisfied and walked towards me, taking it out of my hand and placed it on its place, telling me that i should print the pictures out soon.

“Let’s eat,. I’m starving.” He added and walked out of the room to change his clothes in his own bedroom. My mind told me to follow him, to lock the bedroom door behind, to ravish him, to taint him and to make him mine completely but i knew i had to restrain myself if i didn't want to lose him. I would definitely lose him and that'd be the worst.

I sighed, looking after him and slowly made my way to the kitchen to warm the food from yesterday up. When I had eventually finished setting the table up and putting the food on our plates, Eren entered the kitchen, wearing an oversized T-shirt that i immediately recognized as my own and sweatpants. It was the most normal thing for me to let him wear my clothes, first because simply i loved it and also why not? I shared everything with him, even my own heart, so there were no limits of what he could actually take from me.

“That looks so good~” he chirped joyfully and settled his cute little ass down on his chair, quickly stuffing his cheeks with rice and stew.

I chuckled and sat across from him, beginning to eat while watching how the hungry boy in front of me was already finished with half of his rice bowl. I suppressed a teasing comment that he should slow down or he would gain weight because i knew too well that he was sensitive when it came to that and i didn’t like to make him feel bad, not even when it’s meant playfully. When he looked up with his puffed cheeks, he smiled and i returned it, sipping my water. I watched how he picked up a big piece of sweet potato and parted his plush, soft lips to take it in.  
Oh how much i wanted to stuff his mouth with even bigger things.

“Big brother” he called me and I looked up from his lips, staring at his ocean-like, mesmerizing eyes “there is something I have to tell you and need your advice.” It wasn't often that he called me ''Big brother'' instead of my name, but the fact he did meant, it was something important.

I didn’t answer and let him continue. It made me slightly wonder why he looked so hesitant while speaking but i decided to simply listen.

“Yesterday in school someone asked me out.” He finally spoke out and stopped, looking at me with big, unsure eyes.

As I said i was a ticking time bomb but i could still control myself, luckily. Neither did i nod,nor did i respond. This had always been the day i feared most, the one i would eventually have to let go of Eren.

“Don’t you want to know my answer?” he asked with a hurt expression when i didn’t react for a long time, only looking down on the table.

“Sure,” I choked out with a hoarse voice.

“You don’t sound so.” He whispered and if i wouldn’t have been in a mental argument with myself in that moment, i would’ve notice the hurt in his voice and also in his expression. But i was too busy to keep a straight face and not let the possessive monster out on the surface.

Clearing my throat i put my spoon down and stood slowly up. “I’m sorry, Eren. I’m getting a headache and should rest now. Let’s talk about it tomorrow, alright?.” Like this i got one day more to let my sick mind try to find a way out, if Eren was really going to leave me, something that would keep me sane and him safe. Without waiting for an answer, i left the kitchen and headed to my own bedroom. After changing into a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, i laid down on my bed, covering my eyes with my arms and let sleep give my troubled mind a break.

 

* * *

 

With a small groan leaving my dry lips, i opened my tired eyes, only to be greeted by darkness and i knew it had to be still night. Then i felt a hot breath on my neck and turned my head slightly, realizing that Eren had again sneaked into my bed. He did that sometimes at night, giving me an even harder time. Hard times literally. What I didn’t realize though was the hand on my abdomen under my shirt and his body pressed closely against my side. When I did I could feel my own body heat up and his long,smooth leg resting on my legs began unlocking the sick part of my mind that i was always trying so hard to keep away from him. Carefully i pulled his hand from under my shirt out and moved a bit away. Eren was a very light sleeper and it didn’t surprise me that his beautiful eyes fluttered open, looking at me sleepily. When he realized that I was trying to move away from him, he glared slightly and quickly pulled me back, wrapping his arms around my middle and head resting on my chest. The thing that made everything so dangerous was his leg again on my body. I knew that it was simply his habit. This was his sleeping position since he was a little child and he needed something between his legs, a blanket, pillow or even me, it didn’t really matter. I didn’t struggle any further and tried to calm my mind and heart down but i knew it was useless. My body was never calm when he was so close.

“Levi...” he whispered softly and i swallowed thickly, his hot breath against my neck and collarbone pushing me dangerously closer to my limit.

“Hmm?” I hummed in response, turning my head away from him to look out of my big window and distract me, impossible but at least worth a try.

“I'll reject.”

I needed a while to proceed what he had said and when my mind finally remembered our conversation earlier i could feel my heart skip a beat.

“Why?” I asked slowly, trying to sound indifferent but I knew too well that the relief was audible in my voice.

“I only need you, big brother.” He whispered softly against my skin.

These words were not new to me. Eren said them a lot ever since he was a little child. He never had made a lot of friends, even if people wanted to know him better because he needed only me. That’s what he said when he spent his birthday year after year only with me and i would be puzzled why he never invited his few friends he had.

I only need you, big brother.

That sentence was so dangerous and if he would know how much it boosted my sick mind, I was sure he wouldn’t say it so carelessly.

“But one day you will find someone eventually. You can’t stay with me forever.” I whispered and those words were everything i was against, everything i hated and feared, but the small rational part of me that had survived these past years knew those words had to be spoken out.

What could be worse than words, but a satisfaction for the ugly monster inside of me, was his childish action that followed. He shook his head against my neck, tightening his hold around me and let out a small whiny sound, like a little child refusing to accept that he had to go to bed or wasn’t allowed to eat candy.

“No~” he said in that same whiny voice and i had to draw a deep breath and close my eyes to get my control back that had broken for a split second.

I knew it was wrong, so wrong and dangerous but i couldn’t prevent myself from enjoying it, loving that he wanted to be with me, not because i forced myself onto him but simply because he needed it. Exactly that was what the sick, dangerous monster in me was living off and it made him stronger and stronger. That’s why i think i failed in that moment to prevent myself from turning to my side, facing him and placed one hand on his supple and soft thigh to shift his leg higher on my waist, pressing his body closer, pressing my crotch into his. Hoping he wouldn't notice the obvious hardness in my pants but on the other hand, wanting him to exactly do that. I hugged him close, my arms slinging around his thin waist and my chin on top of his head.

“Levi loves his baby brother.”

He smiled. His overly sweet smile could brighten up even the darkest depths room.  
I could hear a small satisfied hum and I knew that my defence had broken a little again. I was sick enough to use his need for attention and love, something our parents could never really give us, being too busy with the company. I was sick enough to enjoy it like an ice cream on a hot day and i was disgusting enough to crave for more. Now I was wondering how long I would need to finally explode and break him completely. To break him and to see him cry, crying out in pleasure and in pain. Pain only i could soothe and no one else.

 

* * *

 

I knew that it was just a matter of time until i would finally have to let go of him but even though i knew that, I didn’t think it would come so quick. We were eating dinner with our parents on Friday evening at our father’s favourite restaurant. Catching up for Eren's birthday that was a few weeks ago. We had a short small talk about how Eren’s studies went and some other things our parents pretended to be interested in and then silence would fill the air. Eren and i had learnt to accept the slightly cold attitude of our parents and we both felt that it was rather a torture than a relaxing family meeting. But this time something was different. I felt it when our mother started to ask, if my little brother had laid eyes on someone or might even be in a relationship. After Eren had shaken his head, still looking down on his plate, our father cleared his throat before speaking up. I could feel deep down, my stomach turning and twisting, making me feel sick, that whatever he was going to say it would be bad and my thoughts were true when he finally said what he had been waiting to say the whole evening.

“Eren, son, we think it’s time for you to finally look out for a girlfriend. I found the perfect future wife. She is the daughter of my company’s partner, an exceptional young lady and perfect for our household, it can never be early enough.”

Everything in me broke down like a house of cards when my mind realized what my father had just said. I couldn’t look up and didn’t know how Eren reacted, but for a long time no other words were said until Carla spoke.

“I met her just recently and i'm sure you will like her. You’ll be a perfect fit.” She said joyfully and never in my life had i felt so much disgust towards her like in that moment.

“We arranged a meeting very soon so you both get to know each other before planning an engagement and we also want you to move back to the mansion” Our father added and the monster in me that had been sleeping peacefully over the last days woke up, growling and screaming. It wanted to choke my father then and there, make him regret that he tried to take my little brother away from me.

For the first time i looked up and only then i saw that Eren was looking at me. I didn’t know if my mind wanted to make me believe that or if it was really there but i saw despair and helplessness in his eyes. They were begging me to help him. But my fate had always been cruel and i couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t drag him out there and run away, so our parents wouldn’t dare to rip us apart. Closing my eyes, i hung my head and looked down on my plate again, the rest of the evening passing in blurry.

When we arrived in our own loft apartment, no words exchanged during the long car ride, i quickly disappeared in the bathroom to take a shower, mostly because there i could finally release my suppressed tears. I would never cry in front of anyone, would never cry in front of him. Even a few punches into the tiled wall couldn’t calm me down and there i knew it, realized it...i was finally losing my sanity. Thinking rationally or straight was impossible and i saw red, rage and anger destroying the small section of my brain that had kept the monster in me away. Eren was going to be engaged. There was nothing to stop it. Our father had already decided on it before telling us. He never wanted to know, if my little brother agreed or not. Eren had no right to voice his opinion. Father’s decisions were always final and unchangeable.

After what felt like hours, i finally came out of the humid and steamy bathroom and went to the kitchen to take an ice bag for my hand. It had turned red and my knuckles were slightly grazed. With heavy steps i walked through the door, re-entering the living area to get to my room but stopped in track when I saw Eren standing a bit further away from me, looking at me with reddened, puffy eyes. It was obvious that he had cried and i knew he was still on the verge of tears, his small bottom lip trembling under his digging teeth. In that moment I forgot my own pain but remembered how cruel it was for Eren. I was sad that he couldn’t choose someone he loved to spend his life with. In my eyes no one would be good enough for him but at least i would’ve accepted the person when my little brother chose them on his own.

Before I could even realize it, my eyes still burning from my own tears, i had just released, Eren was already standing right in front of me, our chests touching slightly. He averted his gaze from my eyes and looked down at my hand, touching it slightly with his fingertips. I hissed in pain but didn’t move. When he looked up again, I made a poor attempt to smile but I knew too well that I failed miserably. Only then Eren eventually allowed himself to let his tears flow and soon his cheeks were wet, tear droplets running down his jaw and dropping down. He started to shake violently, sobbing and hiccupping like a little child. In that moment i hated the whole world, every tiny stone and human being, simply everything. My heart had never hurt so much like in that moment and i felt like i would die from a heart attack. Weakly i lifted my arms and placed my palms on his cheeks, pulling him closer so he could rest his head on my shoulder. Eren held with both hands the back of my shirt for dear life, pressing himself as close as possible to me and i wrapped my arms around his shoulders, one of my hands caressing the back of his head.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, my jaw clenched and eyes shut tightly. “I’m so sorry.”

Eren didn’t answer but cried even more, his tears wetting the crook of my neck and the way he tried to cling so desperately on my shirt reminded me of that one time when we he was a little child and he came to me after some other kids bullied him, crying exactly like this, but this time...this time it was worse. After what felt like eternity, my little brother lifted weakly his head, tears still streaming down his cheeks and sobs escaping constantly his trembling, pouty lips. He let go of my shirt and slid his arms through the gap of our chests and cupped my cheeks. What happened next was what I never expected to happen as long as I lived, not in a million years. Holding my cheeks, he pulled me without a warning closer to his face and then i felt them, those perfect plush lips i had always desired and longed for, imagined to kiss but my imagination seemed to be an insult, because it was not near as perfect as his real lips. My eyes were wide open in shock, staring at Eren’s closed ones and my mind went blank when my little brother slung his arms around my neck to press our melted lips even more together. The whole world that i had cursed and hated a moment ago began to spin and fade, all my senses focused on Eren. I didn’t even notice that my heart had stopped for a moment and i was holding my breath until he pulled slowly back when i didn’t respond to the kiss. He let go of my neck, arms dropping numbly next to his side and looked down. His sobbing increased even more and I blinked a few times to come back to reality.

“Don’t let them take me away from you.” He whispered with such a small and broken voice that even i, a person that was usually cool and reserved, could feel my heart break in two. “I only need you,big brother. I don’t want anyone else. Please, i don’t want to leave your side.”

I was still in a daze but when Eren broke down, falling on his knees and hands gripping desperately my pants’ fabric I finally realized what was happening but then the next thing that left his mouth was what gave me the rest.

“I love you, Levi. Please, don’t send me away.”  
I looked down in disbelief, staring at the mess my little brother was in front of my feet. How could that be? Eren was not like me. He was pure and innocent, unlike me, who was sick and tainted. It couldn’t be true. It was surely my fault that my little brother thought he felt that way but he couldn’t. He was not like me.  
He looked up, his eyes filled with so much despair and sadness that it took my breath away. I felt too numb to even cry, the situation feeling like a dream, far from being reality.

“Please.” He begged desperately, tugging slightly on my pants like a little child.

I didn’t even realize it first but the monster in me was released and it was slowly creeping to the surface, craving to make Eren my own, mark him forever as mine so no one would dare to touch him but it halted when my precious brother spoke again.

“Please, i love you...please.”

 

* * *

 

That night i broke my little brother eventually. I touched him in places an older brother should never dare to, I kissed him in ways you should never imagine to and I marked him as mine, completely.

Tell your brother, if it hurts.

Does my baby brother like this?

Don’t cry.

Your big brother loves you.

You’re mine.

Those sick words left my lips when I soiled him, corrupted and broke him. I had tainted what i had tried to protect for so long. Despite the tears he shed while letting me do so, he repeated those three words again and again, until his voice became hoarse and gave in. In that night i let out that ugly monster that loved my little brother, Eren, in a way a good big brother, a normal one, would never dare to.

 

* * *

 

Two months had passed ever since and i was in my car, on my way to my little brother and i knew he was waiting. When i got out of the car, i stopped Erwin, one of my friends, who just got out of the passenger seat. I gave him a flat package and smiled weakly, telling him to give it to Eren. When he asked me why i didn’t do it myself and where i was going, i told him i had to do a phone call and would follow soon. He shrugged and took it, walking to the doors of the building. I watched him disappear behind those huge massive doors and then slowly got back into the driver seat. For another five minutes i just sat there, staring at the building where my little brother was waiting for me. Then with a shaking hand, i turned the engine on and drove off, leaving that place like a coward.

 

* * *

 

“Come in.” I said when a knocking was heard and looked up from where i was sitting, hoping that the person coming in would be my brother, but instead was his best friend.

“Hey, Eren. You look really handsome.” Erwin complimented me after closing the door behind him. I gave him a small smile as response and watched him walk closer.

“Where is my brother?” I asked and stared puzzled when he held up something flat and clumsily wrapped in front of my face.

“He said he has to call someone but will come soon. He wanted me to give you this.” Erwin explained and i took it, looking at it confused. “Eren, where is the restroom?” he asked me and I looked up, pointing to the door at the right wall. Nodding, he quickly rushed there and i was again alone in this suffocating room.

I stroked the small package and decided to unwrap it even if Erwin didn’t say something. If my brother wanted me to wait to do it in his presence, he wouldn’t have given it him to bring it to me. I didn't have a lot of strength in my hands, since i still felt weak and drained so the unwrapping took a bit longer but when i eventually had ripped the gift wrap i saw an album, bound in leather. Eyebrows rose in curiosity, i opened it and was met with a familiar picture on the first page. It was me when i was thirteen and i was looking directly into the camera, doing a ‘V’ sign and a huge grin plastered on my lips. Below the picture i recognized my brother’s handwriting and read it.

_Do you remember this day? It was my birthday and i got my very first professional camera as a present. This was the very first picture i ever took of you. Do you see that dimple? You never liked it but i loved it. I loved everything about you, Eren._

My lips curved to a small smile and i turned the page, recognizing on the left side a photo of me sleeping and on the right one where i was eating ice cream. First I read the small text under the left picture.

_If you would know how many pictures i have of you sleeping so beautifully. Whenever i discovered you asleep on a couch or at your desk, i would always rush to my camera to take a picture of you. You’re so beautiful when you sleep. It was always my wish to wake up day by day for the rest of my life to your sleeping face._

I could feel tears whelm up in my eyes but blinked them away. Drawing a deep breath, i looked at the right picture, reading my brother's words.

_You’re the most adorable thing when you’re eating. Ever since you were a little kid, i would always buy you sweets and prepare you a bowl with ice cream when you asked me so innocently. I hated that our mother would try to forbid you to eat what you wanted so i always gave them secretly to you, letting you eat them in my room. That was one of the very few things i did well as a big brother, right?_

I shook my head, wiping my sudden tears away and whispered “You did everything right. You’re the best big brother on earth.”

With those tears wetting my cheeks, i went through the whole album looking at every single picture and reading all of my beloved brother’s words. Nevertheless, i wondered why there were only pictures of me. I knew that he had taken more of me than of us together but we had beautiful photos together and i was a bit sad that it seemed like he didn’t put them in. When i reached the last page, i blinked surprised when a very familiar picture came to view. The very last photo was one of our holding hands. I smiled at it, stroking it gently. I knew this one too well and i loved it.

_So, this is the end and i thought this one would be perfect for the last page. I only wanted to fill this album with your beauty that I had captured over the years, but as i was erasing all visible memories of myself, i came across this photo. Do you remember it? You took it. I destroyed all pictures of myself but this was taken by you and i couldn’t get myself to rip this in two. Thus this will be the only visible memory of me i leave to you. Eren. I wish i could hold your hand like this for the rest of our life but I can’t. Your big brother is a coward and i hope you can forgive me, my precious baby brother. I love you more than anything but I have to leave you. Forgive me. Please, forgive your foolish brother. I love you, Eren. I love you forever. Goodbye..._

My tears hit the last page and my heart stopped. Everything in me broke and i couldn’t breathe properly anymore. With shaking hands i pulled my phone out and quickly dialed his number, holding it against my ear. What i feared most happened. I was directed to the voicemail and that’s when i completely broke down. I didn’t even realize when Erwin came out and got down on his knees next to me trying to help me up but I was a mess. I cried pathetically, curling up to a ball and weakly hit the floor with my fists.

More people came, watching shocked how i became worse and worse. None of them could understand it; none of them could ever feel my pain and why i was holding that album against my chest for dear life. They would never understand why in that moment my whole world broke apart and that the fate i knew would come and take me, hit me nevertheless harder than expected. That afternoon when i would have to accept the life my father forced onto me, the only thing that kept me alive left me alone in this big, cruel world. That afternoon, i didn’t just lose my beloved brother but also myself..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do not own any of the characters and the story is only for entertainment purposes. Credit goes to the original creator of shingeki no kyojin. Thank you for the comments :)


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